Reflecting - Two Years after Heart Attack

On January 8, 2010, I had a heart attack. Unknown to me, I tore the inside of a major artery leading into my heart while skiing the previous day. The resulting blood clot caused the heart attack (read about it here). I've learned that my torn artery is a very rare occurrence called spontaneous coronary artery dissection (SCAD). It affects predominately women, most often happening to young women just after childbirth. Others are affected after strenuous exercise. In still others no cause is found. There is no way of predicting who will experience SCAD and if it will recur, so people who have had a tear must live with no real answers as to why and if it will happen again. Some do not survive the first episode. My cardiologist says I'm very lucky. We surmise that mine tore while struggling to free my skis when I fell in deep snow in the bowl off Peak 10. He says if the heart attack had occurred at the time of the tear instead of many hours later, the outcome may have been different.

For two years, I've been healing, both physically and emotionally, from that tear and heart attack. I went from a fit, healthy 65 year old to a frightened, diminished woman. Prior to the episode, I took only supplements. Afterward, I filled a pill box with all the meds I needed morning and night to heal my heart and keep more blood clots from forming around the stent that was placed to repair the tear. Every twinge felt like the end of my life.

Close observation and listening are my strengths. These traits have served me well during the healing process. Over months and now years, I've paid attention to my body, built my strength, and listened to both my body and to my emotions. I made a decision shortly after the heart attack to eventually try to get off pharmaceuticals, which have their own negative side effects.  I'm fortunate to have great doctors who spend time answering my questions and guiding me. At the end of November, with my cardiologist's blessings, I was weaned from the last of my drugs. Beginning the new year, my body finally feels like my own once again.

Each of us is on a path from birth that leads finally to death. I can't speak for others, but for at least a year after my heart attack, I worried constantly about the journey, afraid that it might come to an abrupt end. Finally, I learned these lessons: Worry doesn't lead to a better or a happier life. Stressing about something out of human control is futile.

So, now I try to focus on the positive: I exercise strenuously every day, eat healthy foods, maintain close, caring relationships with others, and pause to meditate and give thanks. Life is never on hold - it's what's happening right now. I'm trying to release the fear I harbored after the attack so I can be present NOW and really, truly live a life of meaning in the time I have left.

On this second year I'm pausing briefly to reflect, thinking of all the people who have lifted me up, carried me when necessary, and allowed me to stand once again on my own two feet. Many of you who have become friends through this blog have shown me kindness and given me hope. Thank You! My heart is full today with gratitude. Thankfully, it's beating strongly.

My Blog friend, George, wrote a wonderful post recently about "Loving One's Fate."  He's a talented artist/photographer and a writer who always stimulates my thinking. I thank him for helping me to reflect about my own fate. Treat yourself by visiting his blog.

Pewter winter sky while cross country skiing, Breckenridge, CO

Hiking Black Powder Pass summer 2011 with my dear friend, Barb S